Safety Stories

We safety professionals often take our subject too seriously. Not being able to laugh about what we do and how we do it may take away an important dimension: the ability to be objective and see another point of view.

So there is a serious side to having this page - keeping things in proportion and in perspective. Just like the photos page, if you have any pithy, ironic or witty safety anecdotes and stories, please share them. We'll publish them on this page and give you the credit.

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Product Safety Warnings

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Warning: contains nuts." --On peanuts.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." --On an airline packet of nuts.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." --On a child's Superman costume.

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hand." --On a Swedish chainsaw.

"Product will be hot after heating." --On bread pudding.

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists. "

" This product is not to be used in bathrooms ." -- On a bathroom heater.

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defence pepper spray.

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock.

"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

"Do not iron clothes on body." --On packaging for an iron.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

"Serving suggestion: Defrost." --On some frozen dinners.

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

"Directions: Use like regular soap." --On a bar of soap.

"For indoor or outdoor use only." --On brand of Christmas lights.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." --On Sleep Aid.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." --On children's cough medicine.

"Not to be used for the other use." --On a Japanese food processor.

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". --On a bag.

"Do not turn upside down." --On dessert (printed on bottom).

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

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Managing Safety

All managers are equal but some are more equal than others!

Years ago, as a young safety officer, I was involved in something called a "Safety Task Force". This was a group of managers and engineers including a senior "Works Manager".

The Works Manager was at pains to make it clear at the outset that he did not wish to stifle creative thinking and ideas by his involvement and that all voices were equal in the Task Force.

After several months of largely ineffective meetings, a middle manager was promoting a particular idea of his. The Works Manager clearly did not agree and after some debate, effectively vetoed the idea.

The middle manager, who was a bit put out by this, confronted his boss gently and asked: "Are you saying I can't do that as an equal member of this Task Force, or are you telling me as Works Manager?"

The Works Manager thought for a moment, recognising the valid point being made. Then he said: "Well, I guess right now, I'm saying it as an equal member of this group, but if you come and see me in my office later, I'll tell you as Works Manager!

There was no answer to that.


Disclaimer:

This posting does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; may contain material some readers find objectionable; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; keep away from pets and small children; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; jokes were packed full, contents may have settled during mailing; sanitized and sealed for your protection; do not use if safety seal is broken; do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment; safety goggles may be required during use; call before you dig; use only with proper ventilation; for external use only; if a swelling, redness, rash, or irritation develops, discontinue use; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; keep away from open flames; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; contents under pressure, may explode if incinerated; smoking these may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test this, no salt, MSG, preservatives, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult someone who cares; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; one size fits all; if defects are found, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service centre; please remain seated until your eyes have come to a complete stop; objects in the mirror may be funnier than they appear; this disclaimer does not cover hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, and other Acts of God, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, unauthorized repair, improper installation, misuse, typos, misspelled words, missing or altered signatures, and incidents owing to computer or disk failure, accidental file deletions, or milk coming out of your nose due to laughing while drinking; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.


Spouse's Affidavit


Wife's Affidavit:
I, _____________________________, hereby authorize my spouse to work around the house without wearing gloves, hard hat, goggles, safety shoes or any other safety equipment, and hereby promise that I will without complaint, perform the following duties in case he is blinded or crippled:
1. Lead him wherever he wants to go.
2. Help him dress and eat.
3. Describe the scenery to him on our vacations.
4. Read to him instead of watching television.
5. Describe the way the children's eyes light up at Christmas and what their graduations and weddings are like.
6. Teach him to do housework so I can get a job to support our family.
7. Do all the work around the yard and garage that he used to do.
8. Teach our little boy how to play ball, build model aeroplanes, fish and hunt.


An Insurance Christmas

Twas the eve of my renewal (12:01 AM 12/25) and all through my house (ISO class 2 single family joisted masonry, Terr 44, PC 5) not a creature was stirring not even a mouse (through pride of ownership and excellent maintenance). The (flame-retardant) stockings were hung by the (contractor installed) chimney with are in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there (in spite of dead-bolt locks and central station alarm system) (note to check if sleigh rated business use and corporate owned as well as order medical on 60 year old driver!).

The children (ages 4, 8, 14 & 16) were all nestled snug in their beds (check mvr on 16 yr old) while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads (must check for drug use).

Ma in her 'kerchief (scheduled heirloom) and I in my cap (no slave to fashion) had just settled down for a long winters nap (check employment, is insured sleeping all day?) when out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window (double insulated cam type lock) I flew like a flash, threw back the curtains and tore open the sash (intentional destructive act, no coverage, also as far as we know, insured only wearing a cap in front of uncovered window).

What to my wondrous eyes should appear but a red sleigh and 8 reindeer. With a little old driver so round and fat (notify life u/w for possible rating), I knew it right away that it must be St. Nick. More rapid than eagles (check mvr for speeding violations) his coursers they came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name (possible aggressive driver).

Now Dasher (turbo equip?) now Dancer (Classic?) now Prancer (check life style) now Vixen (definitely check lifestyle) on Comet (possible muscle deer) on Cupid (lifestyle again!) on Donner (4X4) and Blitzen (possible drinking problem?).

Up on the porch to the top of the wall, now dash away all, (old man climbing walls either in great shape or overly medicated). So up to the housetop the coursers they flew with a sleigh full of toys and St. Nick too! As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney (fall arrest protection?) he came with a bound. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back.(Proper lifting 'ergonomic' practices?)

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth and the smoke encircled his head like a wreath (memo: do not give non-smoker discount). He was chubby and plump, a right jolly elf (overweight for height) and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. A wink of his eye and a nod of his head soon gave me reason I had nothing to dread. (stranger enters past alarm and insured not worried?). Well - Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!


Negotiations

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the return-to-work provisions of the workers' compensation program set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "is on workers' compensation!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly injured employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow!" he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been injured so badly!"

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Transport Safety

A good telling off

I used to ride a motorbike to work. One day, on the way home, I must admit to making a rather cavalier maneuver in overtaking a car through a junction. I knew it was a bit ugly and saw the look on the car driver's face.

About 100 meters up the road was a set of traffic lights on red. I drew up behind a single car that was waiting there and saw the other irate car driver pulling up alongside me, winding down the window, eyes narrowed, mouth ready to deliver a stream of admonishment.

As she was coming to a stop, she was so intent on her mission that she nudged firmly into the car in front. Her mouth was opening and closing like a fish out of water. At that very instant, the lights turned green. I nodded my head, said "Very good" and buzzed away. It was naughty but absolutely perfect.


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force Pilots and the replies from the Maintenance crews.

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement(M) Almost replaced left inside main tire(P) Test flight OK, except "autoland" is very rough(M) "Autoland" not installed on this aircraft(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid(M) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage(P) Something loose in cockpit(M) Something tightened in cockpit(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear(M) Evidence removed(P) DME volume unbelievably loud(M) Volume set to a more believable level(P) Dead bugs on windshield(M) Live bugs on order(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent(M) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground(P) IFF inoperative(M) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick(M) That´s what they are there for(P) Number three engine missing(M) Engine found on right wing after brief search(P) Aircraft handles funny(M) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious(P) Target Radar hums(M) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"


Aviation Sayings

"I would like to die in my sleep like my father did, not in screaming terror, like his passengers.

"If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money or airplane tickets."

"Gravity always wins!"

"You know you´re flying a Cessna when you have a bird strike and it is from behind!"

"747 on final approach at 1000' off the deck. First Officer asks Captain "Are you happy with the position of the landing gear, sir?" Captain reaches down, lowers the gear and lands safely."

"Lost Cessna Pilot: "Big airport with a little Cessna 150 overhead, please identify yourself!"

A Landing is just controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

"I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep"


Cruel Pilot Jokes

What is the ideal cockpit crew? A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if a pilot is at your party? He'll tell you.

How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot? Because he says: "That's enough about flying, let's talk about me!"

Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting." Pilot: "Not if I do it right."

What's the purpose of the propeller? - To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

In-Flight Safety

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some > of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them > are on this flight...!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a Flight Attendants arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Overheard from a young pilot: "Sorry about the rough landing, folks I'm practicing for a job at USAir. Next time, I'll try to lose your luggage."

I was on a Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate after everyone boarded. The flight attendant said over the intercom, "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."

[ was said in a very low, slow, monotone, by a male flight attendant] Pushing the button with the picture of the light bulb turns the light on. Pushing the button with the picture of the flight attendant [pause] does not turn us on.

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking and on behalf of all of us at Alaska Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today. We're beginning our descent into Los Angeles and we'd like to ask you to stow baggage and bring your tables and seatbacks into the upright position." -- pause -- "Oh, and folks, I've been reminded to inform you that as you deplane and walk to the baggage claim area, you may notice tons and tons of mistletoe hanging at the gates of our competitors. Don't be alarmed -- it's just there to remind you that when you fly our competitors you can just plan on kissing your luggage goodbye......"

"Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight." {round of applause follows} "So on your way off the plane, be sure & stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday."

Click to get a better view...Coming back from Vegas to Austin on Southwest Airlines, the 737 was for the most part filled with business-type suit and tie guys. We were all getting settled, digging for magazines, pulling out laptops, joking, chatting, etc when the flight attendant announced over the intercom, "Did anyone lose a brown wallet?" All talking and all commotion instantly ceased as hands instinctively went for back pockets and eyes went forward to where she was standing in the cabin, which was now completely silent. She continued, "Now that I have your attention, I'd like to point out the emergency exits located on either side of the aircraft..."

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Idiots

Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Idiot # 3
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Idiot # 4
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot # 5
Arkansas Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.


Noise Will Never Bother Me!

I was auditing a site and was walking past the only area of the plant that was posted for noise. There, just finishing up, was a mechanic stowing his tools for transport back to his shop. He was not wearing hearing protection. From the walkway, I could see that the room had the same sign on three walls indicating that hearing protection was required.

As he exited the room, I asked if I could ask him some safety program questions. Knowing that some programs allow for not wearing hearing protection if time in the area will be less than "X" hours, I asked about the noise signs ( an open ended question ). I was hoping to hear a statement like "We were trained that if we are in there less than four hours in any day that we are not required to wear plugs."

He grinned a bit, nodded at the closest sign and said, "Noise will never bother me!"

I shrugged my shoulders and asked "Why?"

Looking right at me, he said, "I don't listen to it."

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Safety Data Sheets

MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet) For Men

Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable
reaction style.

Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
information on many wavelengths.

Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to
a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.



Material Safety Data Sheet Women

Rating: PG
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6Kg, but know to vary from 40-200Kg

OCCURRENCES: Abundant quantities in all areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Very effective cleaning agents.

TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other.


Warning label humour

Here are a few of the warning texts from actual packaging our fellow Risk managers have placed on their products:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial Soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Click to get a better view . . .On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.


Physics Warning Labels
A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by

From the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol. 36, No. 1
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America.

Our Suggested list of required warnings appears below.

Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.

Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbors Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.

Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They Cannot Be Detected.

Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space.

Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.

"Captain, do you really want to hold this course?"


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Understanding Risk

Tommy's List of "Phrases to Live By"

1. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
2. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
3. An optimist thinks that this is the best of possible worlds. A pessimist fears that this is true.
4. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
8. I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
9. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
10. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
11. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Click to get a better view . . .

"Captain, do you really want to hold this course?"


Replace men(t) Value

Sue told the insurance company, "We had that car insured for thirty-thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Sue replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."


The following is part of an article written by Joe Bennett.
Joe lives in Lyttleton and writes regularly for the Christchurch Press. You may also have seen him in his occasional role as social commentator on TV. He writes here about his disgust at the Council's plans to ensure public safety by prohibiting dogs from running free from their owners, in fact his disgust at more than that . . .

The last half of the article . . .

"Have the doc and his bloodless woman [ Doctor Killjoy and Sister Grumbles ] no sense of a dog's need to run? They have not. Do they not care that their proposal would be cruel? They do not. Because in their arrogance they believe that only the human species has any right to draw joy from the world.

When dogs exult in freedom in the park, when dogs play games for the fun that is in them, when dogs cavort in the present tense, they grant a glimpse of something we've lost. They simply revel in being alive. They don't fret for their share portfolios. They don't hunch over pornography. They run with the wind and they pant with zest. It does my dog good to run. It does me good to run with her. Dr Killjoy and Sister Grumbles would excise that good..

They want to take us all one step further down the path to a sanitised world. A shopping-mall world. A world of endless consumption of tat until we peg out. A world as sterile as a hospital ward. A horrid pointless bloodless colourless world, a world ruled by Starbucks and the six o' clock news and OSH. A world of plastics and disc jockeys and car grooming.

Why should they want this? Because they are afraid.

Children get it right. Last week I took my dog to a primary school. Two hundred children rushed to stroke her. She took it on the chin. And on the ears and the tail and the neck.

But if Dr K and Sister G win the day the children will be taught to fear. They will learn that my dog is dirty, and that the planet owes them a living. They will be taught that society is hostile, and then they will be surprised when it becomes hostile. They will be disabled by fear. Their blood will be watered to transparency. And we shall have arrived at the future. It will look like Disneyland. Disneyland, where people are fat and the thrills synthetic. Disneyland, where the lawns are rectilinear and death is banned. Disneyland where the only animals are stuffed monstrosities with floppy ears and imbecilic grins, apart of course from those animals whose tongues and guts and nostrils have been ground into hamburger patties and smeared with mustard the colour of pus. For our convenience".

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