This is the first article in our What Not Safety Series – a light hearted look at safety management systems.
Gudday mate, Murray Hurry here, your Corporate Safety Officer. You remember me, the guy with those Safety Manuals you had to help lift out of my hire car? Sorry it wasn’t convenient that day but we never thought the audit would happen at your place and we only found out that week. My Safety Manuals are the best you can get. I hope you put it on the shelf like I told you. In case you’re wondering, they’re the big green ones mate.
I know you opened them because after I came back from lunch that day, the cellophane wrappers were off. You’ll get the hang of them, no worries. It goes like this: There’s 45 sections, so you’ll never need other safety manuals, I’ll give you the tip.
It’s all there. Whole shooting match. There’s not a stone left unturned. I know you guys like to pore over things during your free time, so we went for the doctor. Never use a flow chart or dot points when you can fill a few pages with helpful detail. Safety manuals have to look posh or they don’t take you seriously mate.
What to do with my Safety Manuals
Now, at the beginning somewhere, there’s a Policy Statement. What I want you to do is print it out mate. For some reason, printers seem to turn it into three pages but try and reduce the font mate, it looks far better. Now, get your pin-striped chinless wonder of a GM to sign it. Here’s the trick mate, don’t let him read it. Just fold it over or something and say it’s to do with the Christmas Barbie. Just another thing out of old Murray’s many safety manuals. If he catches a glimpse, there will be writing all over it and an Implementation Committee and that wastes valuable time. Frame it and stick it on the wall. Believe me, every word is there for a reason.
Now in the back you’ll find some forms. Last count there were 168 mate, but we got more coming, don’t you worry about that. Last audit, we had to get up and walk around looking at actual workers, so I knocked out 20 or 30 more forms to keep the auditor happy. You need someone to fill ‘em out mate.
Don’t ask a woman, they’re far too thorough and resourceful. Try that young student bloke who works part time. Should be right up his alley and he does what he’s told. Don’t ask employees to help. Avoid them like the Plague. The troops take a serious interest and get argumentative. We’ll deal with them in Part 6 by making sure you get a manager to tell them the score in the Safety Committee. Boris would be the type. Thick skin and the ability to cut through the crap. We need that, otherwise the troops get bogged down talking about hazards.
You should be able to throw this together in a few weeks mate. Audit will be on 11th. Give the place a sweep and get lunch organised. Look, it’s only for a day and I’ll be there with my safety manuals as well, to tell some good stories. The auditor and me are good mates and he’ll see you right. Afterwards, let things die down a bit but remember your Christmas bonus, so I’ll make sure you get reminders to fill some forms from time to time.
Like I said, this is the best of all the safety manuals you can get. I’ll be sending you some more instructions, so be sure to watch your e-mails.